


Forest Fires

by FrecklesOfTheSeasons



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Basically Changbin wants to find love, But Felix only wants to run away from it, Depressed Changbin, Depression, Felix is kind of a dick sometimes i'm sorry, I'm Sorry, Inspired by Music, Lee Felix is bad at feelings, Like Woochan and Minsung will make an appearance, Lots of Angst, M/M, Minor Background Relationships, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Panic Attacks, Seo Changbin needs a hug, Suicidal Changbin, Suicidal Thoughts, Unrequited Love, but they're not the focus
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-22
Updated: 2019-04-30
Packaged: 2019-08-05 18:34:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16372847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrecklesOfTheSeasons/pseuds/FrecklesOfTheSeasons
Summary: Changbin watches from the balcony, a red solo cup clutched tightly in his hand. He watches Felix kiss someone else, not for the first time that night. He watches until the pain is unbearable, and then he turns away. He walks back inside. He gets another drink.Or maybe Felix doesn't love Changbin, but that's okay, because Changbin doesn't love himself anyways.





	1. Nobody Pines for the Listener

Changbin watches from the balcony, a red solo cup clutched tightly in his hand. He watches Felix kiss someone else, not for the first time that night. He watches until the pain is unbearable, and then he turns away. He walks back inside. He gets another drink. 

 

The thing is, he has no right to feel this way. He has no right because Felix isn't his, and never has been. But it doesn't make it hurt any less. It never has, and never will. 

 

Changbin has a habit of catastrophizing things. His mind blows them up until they're enormous in proportion and he can't take it anymore. That's what it does now, as he drowns his sorrows in a plastic cup of cheap beer. Or, he tries. Apparently his sorrows can swim. A shame, really. 

 

He's been after Felix for months. For months he's had to watch as his unrequited love falls for different people, all the while cuddling up to him and calling him ‘hyung’ in the sweetest voice. Changbin wishes he wouldn't do that. 

 

It isn't, he supposes,  _ really _ Felix's fault. As far as Changbin knows, he's unaware of the mess of feelings Changbin has for him. But now that he's become distant like this, Changbin wouldn't be surprised if he knew. His shoulders hunch further down than they already were, and he sinks down to the floor. His cup sits on the table, forgotten. His head falls into his hands and he chokes back a sob. 

 

He never wanted it to get to this point. His mind is yelling at him that of  _ course _ Felix knows, and of  _ course _ he's disgusted. Changbin has never really been subtle. He's tried, but failed every time. He's still sitting like this when Chan finds him, eyes squeezed shut and fingers clenching in his hair. 

 

“Where's Felix?” He asks, and Changbin feels a twinge in his chest. 

 

“Somewhere else.” Is all he says, and Chan sighs. He sits next to Changbin, cross-legged on the fuzzy carpet of his parents’ house. He runs his fingers through Changbin's hair. 

 

“Is he with someone again?” He asks. Changbin nods miserably. Chan sighs again. 

 

“Changbin,” He says. “You know he's not serious about them.” 

 

Somehow, that only manages to make things worse. Felix would rather have some fling than a relationship with him. That hurts. He sniffles. Chan pulls him into a hug. 

 

“Changbin,” Chan says again. “Just give him a chance to get things right.” 

 

Changbin thinks he'll never stop giving Felix chances. He's too in love not to. 

  
  


That's how Felix finds them; Changbin curled up, head resting against Chan's chest, eyes half shut and fingers tingling pleasantly from the alcohol. Changbin can hardly hear him through the buzz in his ears. 

 

“What's wrong with him?” Felix asks. Changbin likes to think he's worried, not that Felix thinks there's something wrong with him. He hopes not. He doesn't want Felix to be disappointed with him. He doesn't say anything. 

 

“Anxiety, probably.” Chan comes to his rescue, and, well, he's not exactly wrong. Changbin is definitely anxious. Even more so when Felix settles down beside him and puts a hand on his back. Changbin jolts away from the touch as if burned, and he sees a flash of hurt cross Felix's face before it becomes blank. But those hands were touching someone else before they touched Changbin, and he can't bear to have them on his skin. 

 

He's so tired. Felix's hands come to rest at his sides awkwardly and Changbin sighs wearily. He wishes things weren't awkward. It's his own fault, and he knows it. He should get over his feelings for Felix so they can go back to how they were before. Chan makes to get up and Changbin lets out a sound of disapproval. He hears Felix huff beside him and wonders what he did wrong. 

 

Chan leaves, despite Changbin's efforts to get him to stay. His rescue was short-lived. Felix shifts uncomfortably next to him and Changbin does whatever he can to avoid his gaze. 

 

“What are you doing?” Felix asks, sounding almost angry. “Why aren't you looking at me? Why don't you look at me anymore?” 

 

Changbin trembles and doesn't answer. Felix is mad at him.  _ Felix is mad at him _ . He must have fucked up real bad if that's the case. Felix never gets mad. 

 

“Changbin!” He growls, grabbing Changbin's face in his hands and turning it to look at him. Changbin doesn't want to look. But he does. 

 

Felix's face is twisted into a scowl, and his eyebrows are furrowed. Changbin wants to reach between them and smooth the crease there. Felix still manages to look pretty when he's mad. Changbin supposes that's what got him into this mess in the first place. His eyes fill with tears and before he can stop himself he's letting out a little cry. 

 

His hands fly to his mouth because now he can't stop. He's choking out sobs and words that make no sense and he closes his eyes to keep the tears at bay. Felix's hands drop from his face. When Changbin opens his eyes, Felix looks horrified. Changbin cries harder. He hates himself. 

 

“Hyung,” His voice wobbles. He lifts a hand to wipe at Changbin's tears. He doesn't move away this time. “Hyung, did I hurt you?” 

 

_ Yes.  _

 

Changbin shakes his head no. Felix doesn't mean to hurt him. It's okay. Felix's shoulders sag in relief. 

 

“Why are you crying, then?” He asks, tiredly, and Changbin near to god wails. Of course Felix is tired of him. He has every right to be. Changbin is needy. He's selfish and jealous and wants Felix all to himself. No wonder Felix doesn't want him. 

 

“I'm sorry I made you angry.” He cries, burying his face in his hands and sobbing. He feels Felix's hand on his back again. 

 

“Hyung,” He says, quietly. “I'm not angry, hyung, I'm just confused. Why are you crying?”

 

Changbin slumps over, tears blurring his vision. 

 

“I'm tired.” He hiccups. “I'm tired, Lix, I'm so tired.” 

 

Felix's eyes darken and his face turns blank again. 

 

“You're drunk.” He says stiffly. 

 

“No,” Changbin cries. “No.” He isn't. He's not a lightweight, and he really hasn't had that much to drink. Felix would know, if he had actually been around. Instead, he scoffs. 

 

“You are.” He says, and his lip curls. Changbin sobs into his hands and he wishes Felix would believe him. 

 

“‘M not. ‘M not drunk, ‘m not.” He's shaking but Felix doesn't make a move to comfort him. He stands up as someone walks over to them, and gives said person a kiss. Then, he looks down at Changbin with a conflicted look on his face. 

 

“Call me when you're sober.” He says, and then he's gone. He leaves. He leaves Changbin alone on the ground, curled in on himself, crying. 

  
  


Chan drives him home. Changbin doesn't say a word the whole way there.


	2. A Thrill I Fail To Deliver

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Changbin is sorry Woojin has to put up with his mess.
> 
>  
> 
> “Don't be,” Woojin says, and Changbin realizes he's spoken out loud. “I'm your friend for a reason. I love you Changbin. We all do.”
> 
>  
> 
> Even Felix.
> 
>  
> 
> That last bit goes unsaid.
> 
>  
> 
> Changbin doesn't need to hear it, because it isn't true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one is short, sorry guys. i'm having a pretty hard time with getting my creative juices flowing lately. i hope this chapter is okay.

Changbin doesn't end up calling Felix. He can't. He can't bear to. He locks himself in his makeshift studio and writes and writes until the pencil in his hand is too worn down to use anymore. When that happens, he slumps in his chair and throws his head back in something near to despair. Writing is the only thing Changbin has. 

 

He stares at the ceiling and clenches his fist around the stub of wood in his hand. He can feel the tears coming, fast, now that he has nothing to distract him from the thoughts that tear his head apart. A bubble of a sob makes its way up his throat, but he refuses to let it come out. Instead he wipes furiously at his eyes with the palm of his free hand and digs around in his bag for another pencil. There isn't one.

 

Changbin can't remember what day it is. He doesn't know how many classes or meals he's missed, though he supposes it must be a lot. His guess is proven correct when he hears a gentle knock on the door of his dorm. He sits there, for a while, too numb to move, arms slack at his sides. Eventually there's a click as his lock turns and someone steps inside. He doesn't turn to find out who it is. He already knows it's not who he wants it to be. 

 

Only two people other than Changbin have a key to his dorm. After a few choice incidents, he had copies made of it so that his friends could get in. One being Chan, and the other being Woojin. Woojin is sweet. He comes to bring Changbin food and forces him to drink water instead of that shit coffee from the school cafeteria. 

 

He knows it's Woojin because he knocked, and Chan never knocks. Chan bursts into Changbin's dorm in a hurry like there's nothing more important than being there. Whenever he comes, it's clear that he thinks Changbin is in a crisis. Woojin is more subtle. 

 

He's still seated on his chair, shoulders shaking in what must be utter exhaustion, when Woojin sets his hands on them. When was the last time he slept? Changbin can't remember. He sits there and lets Woojin rub his shoulders until the tension in him is ready to snap. He stands up suddenly, hands trembling, to move away from his desk. 

 

Changbin wrings his hands nervously while Woojin watches, a sympathetic look on his face. Woojin doesn't approach him, just sits down on the ragged couch and beckons Changbin over. So he goes, and he sits at the furthest end of the couch, despite how much he needs physical contact in this moment. Woojin seems to understand enough. 

 

He digs through the bags he brought and pulls out some takeout. Changbin looks at it numbly. 

 

“Panda express?” He asks in a quiet voice. 

 

“Panda express.” Woojin confirms. “Come on, dig in.” 

 

Changbin feels himself gravitating closer towards Woojin as they eat, until their sides are pressed together. Woojin is warm, and comfortable, and calming. But Changbin still has that feeling, the feeling that everything around him is falling apart. He's numb inside, but his head is screaming at him. 

 

“The others have been asking about you.” Woojin says softly. 

 

Changbin knows that ‘the others’ refers to Felix. He's a little relieved that the other boy is asking after him, but a whole new wave of anxiety comes crashing over him soon after. He doesn't want to have to talk to Felix. Not after he humiliated himself in front of him. Woojin apparently feels him tense up, because he reaches out an arm to tug Changbin closer to him and rub his shoulder. 

 

“You're gonna have to talk to him, Binnie.” He murmurs. 

 

Changbin hates himself for it, but his body betrays him. It begins to shake as he holds himself back from crying, gripping Woojin's shirt to keep himself remotely stable. He's been crying far too much lately. His eyes stay on the ground, and he shakes his head in panic. 

 

Woojin sighs. He reaches up to softly turn Changbin's head so that he's facing him. It's a mistake. Changbin can't hold his gaze for more than a few seconds without bursting into tears. He squeezes his eyes shut and clings to Woojin's arm like it's a life raft. It might as well be, because Changbin feels like all he's doing is drowning. He feels like he's lost at sea. 

 

Changbin sobs as Woojin holds him. Every tear he's held back since the party pours out of him, along with all the emotions he's spent hours bottling up. He's sad. He's really, really sad. He wonders who Felix was with on the night of the party. He wonders if it was serious. 

 

Deep down he hopes it wasn't. 

 

_ Another part of him knows better. _

 

Woojin rubs his back as he begins to calm down. He's cried a lot,  _ too much _ , his brain supplies. But he still feels so empty, and sad. So sad. 

 

“You are gonna have to. I know you don't want to,” Woojin adds. “But it's for the best. You're spending too much time hating yourself for something that isn't your fault.” 

 

_ But it is.  _

 

Changbin knows he'll have to talk to Felix eventually. He knows that Woojin is right. He always is. Changbin is sorry Woojin has to put up with his mess. 

 

“Don't be,” Woojin says, and Changbin realizes he's spoken out loud. “I'm your friend for a reason. I love you Changbin. We all do.” 

 

_ Even Felix.  _

 

That last bit goes unsaid. 

 

Changbin doesn't need to hear it, because it isn't true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry Changbin :( 
> 
> i hope u guys liked this one. if u want to yell at me my twitter is @zinniachild and my tumblr is gay-but-woah


	3. Sorry to Disappoint Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Call me when you're sober.
> 
>  
> 
> And Changbin doesn't drink, but he doesn't think that this constant state of withdrawal constitutes anything near to sober.

A low buzz in his ears has become the norm for Changbin to carry around. He drags himself from class to class, shoulders hunched in, avoiding the crowd. Or maybe the crowd avoids him. He's too tired to be sure. As his ears ring, his mouth remains mute. He makes no effort to speak. He's dull and he knows it, why should he bore anyone with the nonsense that spills from his lips? No, he stays quiet, with a red string of fate cut too soon sewn between his lips. He wishes that string had strayed somewhere else. 

 

It's been weeks, he's sure. Weeks since the last party, weeks since Woojin came to speak with him. He hasn't called Felix, and he has yet to think he ever will. 

 

_ Call me when you're sober. _

 

And Changbin doesn't drink, but he doesn't think that this constant state of withdrawal constitutes anything near to sober. He stares at his desk with noises filtering in and out of his ears and thinks that if he just focuses on school, everything will be alright. And so he's stopped writing. Nothing he thinks of saying is worthy of writing down on paper. He's stopped talking, he's stopped listening. Everything around him is a goddamn blur, one he couldn't care less about. 

 

Food turns to ash in his mouth, he's stopped tasting, stopped eating. His wrist bones are prominent and his hips jut out, ugly, from where there used to be a healthy amount of fat and muscle. Now it's just skin, just bone. Changbin can't find it in him to care. He eyes his pencil, long forgotten on his desk, watches as it rolls away, drops of the edge. He sits there, still, silent, staring at the number 2 written on the wood. He thinks he's dropped very behind in his creative prowess to be comparing himself to a pencil. 

 

He leans down to grab it up off the floor, but someone else gets there quicker. He looks up into the eyes of the savior of his pencil, and stops. He knows those eyes far too well, knows that jawline, that nose, those goddamn freckles that haunt him in his sleep. He doesn't make a move to, well, move. He stays hunched over in his seat, silent. His spine aches. 

 

“Hyung.” Lee Felix greets, voice blank. Changbin blinks lazily. He doesn't speak. How long has it been since they last saw each other? Since they last talked? He doesn't know, and he wishes he didn't care, but he does and that's that and he doesn't know what to do with it. 

 

He stares some more. 

 

“Hyung.” Felix says again, eyebrows furrowed, and Changbin's eyes flit up from where their gaze had fallen to the floor, unbeknownst to him. “Where have you been, hyung?” 

 

His mouth moves, but he doesn't feel it. 

 

“Same as always.” He feels himself say, slowly, blankly. “Here.” 

 

Apparently this wasn't the right thing to say, because Felix's pretty face drops into a scowl. 

 

“And you didn't think to call?” He asks frustratedly. “Or to text, or to come over or something?” 

 

You told me not to, he wants to say. I didn't want you to see me like this. Instead, he says nothing. He gathers his things into his bag, and hefts it over his shoulders. 

 

“Hyung, wait. Hyung.” He stands, makes a move to leave, but Felix grabs him by his shoulder. He stops. He hasn't been touched by another person in so long, not Felix, and it hurts. “Where do you think you're going?” 

 

He sounds frustrated, and he sounds hurt, and Changbin thinks that it's because of him, he did that, and he would feel ashamed if the self loathing didn't overpower everything else. He blinks rapidly to clear his eyes of tears. 

 

“Home.” The word escapes his lips before he knows it, and he finds that odd, because where is home? It certainly isn't his dorm, nor his parents’ house, not that he'd be welcome there. Nowhere is home. 

 

“Don't you dare.” Felix says, voice bordering on a shout. He spins Changbin around to face him. “Don't you dare leave me here like this. Explain to me what this is. Why do you look like, like  _ this,  _ where have you been, what, why-” 

 

Changbin should probably feel offended. But tired as he is, and sad, and has he mentioned tired? He can't bring himself to. It's Felix, and Felix never lies. 

 

“What is this?” Changbin asks, gesturing to himself slowly. Almost as slow as the words leaving his mouth, heavy, tired, worn down-

 

There's so much he could say, and so much that he won't. 

 

Felix huffs angrily. 

 

“Have you seen yourself?” He pokes Changbin roughly in the chest, sending him stumbling back easier than he'd expected. “You look  _ awful.”  _

 

_ Is that why you hate me?  _ Changbin wants to ask, and he comes damn near close. He looks at himself, finds himself thin and skin and bones and ashy skin and  _ ugly,  _ he finds himself ugly. 

 

His lips part, and they're chapped and dry and he's  _ tired-  _

 

“I know.” He says. Always has, always will. He's nothing close to the ethereal beauty that is Lee Felix. 

 

Felix's eyes widen, and he grits his teeth. 

 

“You know, and yet you do nothing about it.” He snaps. “ _ God,  _ Changbin, you're just like your  _ dad.”  _

 

It feels like a slap to the cheek. Changbin blinks, his lips part again. There's a pain in his chest that shouldn't be there, he's learned to control that by now. Maybe it's because Felix knows, knows what that means to him, and he's said it anyway, or maybe it's just because Felix is angry with him. He knows he deserves it, and still, it hurts. 

 

“Sorry.” He chokes out, and Felix's face softens. But he doesn't stay to watch, he just turns and starts to walk away. 

 

“Hyung, wait.” He hears Felix plead. “Hyung, you know I didn't mean it like that, I-  _ hyung.”  _

 

He keeps walking. Out of the empty lecture hall and onto the rest of the campus. Past the biology buildings and down to the parking structure in front of his dorm. He takes the stairs up, stares blankly at his feet all the while. It shouldn't feel like this, shouldn't hurt like this. He can't find it in him to cry. He keys himself in, and slides down the door as soon as he shuts it. He stares at his shaking hands, and when did that start to happen? How many meals has he missed? He feels along the sharp bone of his wrist and wraps a hand around it. It's too easy to close around, too small. 

 

_ Ugly.  _ He thinks.  _ Just like your dad.  _

 

And if Felix said it, it must be true, right? Because Felix would never, could never lie to him. 

 

He shakes some more and lets his hands fall to the ground beside him. He stares at the wall and waits. And waits. And waits. He waits for a miracle, waits to wake up from this horrific dream and have everything go back to normal. When Felix loved him, even if it was only platonic. He'd much prefer that to this. 

 

_ Is that why you hate me?  _ He thinks, and wonders why he hadn't asked. But it's clear to him that he's a coward, and it's clear to him that he never will. 

 

He'll never get any relief where Lee Felix is concerned. He slumps forward where he sits and he wishes, hard, that everything will be okay. Yet he doesn't believe for a second that it will happen. But that's okay, because Felix doesn't need him, nobody needs him, and maybe all it takes to be okay is to disappear for a while. 

 

He wants to disappear. 

 

He remembers when he first discovered his feelings for Felix, the butterflies he'd felt in his stomach, how easily he would become flustered, how simple everything had seemed. He doesn't know when it had morphed into, into  _ this, _ this mess that is his feelings, the ones he hates to call his own. 

 

He chuckles dryly. Or tries to, at least. It comes out as more of a choked sob. But he knows he's not crying, because he can't cry. Not anymore. 

 

His phone rings. Nobody needs him, he thinks, as he lifts it from his pocket. Felix's grin shines back at him, and his heart aches, because he remembers this picture, and he doesn't want to- 

 

It rings, and rings, and rings. He lets it go to voicemail. He's not sure why, because he misses Felix, he does, even if seeing the boy only hurts him in the end. It begins to ring again.

 

Changbin watches the contact icon flash on his screen for several minutes, and eventually Felix seems to give up. He leaves a voicemail. 

 

_ “Hyung, I'm sorry hyung. I didn't mean what I said. I was- I was angry and confused and I took it out on you and- please answer hyung, I'm worried about you.”  _

 

Felix sounds like he's  _ crying,  _ and all Changbin can think is that Felix doesn't have to be sorry, Changbin will do anything to make him stop crying. With that in mind, he dials the number back. It rings a total of one times before it's picked up. 

 

_ “Hyung,” _ It's desperate, and it's choked up, and Changbin's heart squeezes painfully in his chest.  _ “Hyung, I'm- I'm sorry.”  _

 

He's quiet for a moment before he speaks up. 

 

“It's okay, Felix-ah.” His voice comes out blank, and he hates it. 

 

_ “No, nonono, it's not, I'm-”  _ A choked sob.  _ “I-I'm  _ sorry  _ hyung.”  _

 

Changbin swallows heavily. 

 

“It's really okay, Felix. I mean it.” He'll mean it if it makes Felix happy. “Hyung is fine.” 

 

_ “Are you sure?”  _ Felix sniffles on the other end of the line, and Changbin nods even though he can't be seen. 

 

“I'm sure, Lix, it's okay.” He lies through his teeth and he tries to make it true. 

 

Silence. Then, 

 

_ “Hyung, what happened to us?”  _ Changbin stays quiet.  _ “We were so close, what happened?”  _

 

Changbin happened. He didn't deserve Felix in the first place, he was always meant to fuck things up. He's surprised it's only happened just now. 

 

“I don't know,” He lies again, and he thinks of Felix's lips on other people. “Hyung's sorry, Felix-ah.” 

 

He is. 

 

_ “I'm sorry, too.”  _

 

There's a moment of silence where they grieve together, over something they're sure they've lost. 

 

_ “Hyung, can you come over some time?”  _ Felix's voice is wobbly.  _ “I miss you, hyung. The others miss you.”  _

 

Changbin shuts his eyes, slumping against the door. 

 

“I'm not sure I can, Lix. I think it's for the best that-” 

 

_ We don't see each other anymore.  _ Is what he wants to, tries to say. But it won't come out. It's the selfish part of him, he knows, that wants to cling to Felix and keep him close. But he's not worthy and he's ugly and he's, he's  _ bad,  _ and- 

 

_ “Hyung, please.”  _ Felix's voice breaks over the line.  _ “Don't shut us out. I- we want to be there for you hyung, I'm sorry we haven't been. I- please.”  _

 

And how can Changbin say no? He nods tiredly. 

 

“I'll try.” He says softly, and knows that he'll fail, fuck things up, because he always does. 

 

_ “Hyung, I love you.”  _ Felix says before he hangs up, and Changbin breathes in sharply before replying. 

 

“Hyung loves you too, Felix-ah.” 

 

_ Beep.  _

 

Changbin wonders what Felix would say if he knew how true those words are.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> surprise post out of nowhere yeet


End file.
